The Covert Narcissism Podcast
The Covert Narcissism Podcast
About The Covert Narcissism Podcast
Covert narcissistic abuse crushes one’s soul. This podcast is devoted to understanding covert narcissistic abuse, its effect on the victims, and how to heal.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Why can't I explain it to my friends? Why don't they get it? Why does it all sound so petty and trivial? When I’m trying to explain it to someone, I even think I sound petty. But it’s not! There is nothing petty about the nightmare that you are living! It sucks and you need people around you that get it, that understand. Covert narcissistic abuse is a nearly invisible abuse. It is hidden in things that are a normal part of life; little disagreements, a bad mood here and there, a short word out of the blue, a misunderstanding. These events sound petty when describing them because they ARE petty. At least they should be. They should be tiny bumps on the road of life. When you are with a covert narcissist though, they are un passable mountains. In a non-toxic relationship, these are small issues that disappear after reconciliation. In a toxic relationship, they never disappear. They pile on top of each other for years and decades. When you find someone else who has lived it, you know it. You can sense it when you talk with them. Find a small support group and quit trying to explain it to anyone who doesn't get it. Remember, you have nothing to prove to anyone! You don't owe anyone an explanation or reason for what happened!
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Dorothy's journey on the yellow brick road is a journey of a lifetime with a covert narcissist. She firmly believes that this path is the right path to get her home, or back to herself once again. She is convinced that the Wizard of Oz is her rescuer, savior. He will fix everything for her. He is her knight in shining armor. The three companions that she acquires along the way show the effects that covert narcissism has on its victims. The scarecrow believes he has no brain, which is exactly how a covert narcissistic victim feels after living with years of gaslighting and circular conversations. The Tin Man believes he has no heart, which is true of victims who now feel calloused and mean. The lion has no courage or nerve, which is the trap where the victim of covert narcissistic abuse believes that they could never leave or even stand up for themselves. In the end, these three companions learn that they have had these elements within themselves all along. And Dorothy learns that she has the ability to return home anytime she wants. No one can tell her this because she has to see it for herself, but it is within her all along. Returning to yourself is the journey of healing for victims of covert narcissistic abuse. You have the ability within you and have all along. It is time to see this and begin that journey. There is no place like home! Wizard of Oz, The (1939) by Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson and Edgar Allen Woolf. Based on the book by L. Frank Baum. Last revised March 15, 1939. Script used for research, quotes, and content can be found at https://sfy.ru/script/wizard_of_oz_1939
It is my great privilege to introduce to you my oldest son. After living this nightmare in our home for 18 years, he now shares his perspective for the very first time. Here he answers some questions that were put forth from my listeners: When did the light bulb go on for you that something wasn’t right here? Did you carry the weight of this situation? Did you blame yourself? In looking back, is there something you wish you had done or known differently or sooner, for your mental health? What impact has this had on you? Is there a silver lining in what you have experienced? Something that benefits you going forward? What does your relationship with your father look like from here? When you are young, your whole life is your parents. Everyone’s childhood has an impact on them. No one gets through childhood unscathed. So many kids go through this and then blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, carrying the pain and trauma forward into the next generation. It is time to break this generational curse!
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast To sign up for the our new Men's Group Session, click the link below. https://www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. Because, because, because, because….because of the wonderful things he does? Who is this wonderful Wizard? He introduces himself to Dorothy as, I am Oz, the Great and Powerful. He says this with smoke billowing, fire flaring, and a dominant image of fear and intimidation. Yet everyone loves him. Why?? Why don’t they see the mean, daunting, threatening, terrorizing wizard that is behind the closed doors? Does no one ever see this side of him? Such is life with a covert narcissist. The Wizard of Oz plays the part of a covert narcissist. Putting on this amazing show of how great and wonderful he is while doing absolutely nothing to help any of these travel companions. Yet everyone is so incredibly enthralled by the Wizard and his supposed greatness that there is no way that Dorothy could ever question that publicly. In fact, Dorothy becomes enthralled with him too. This old classic shows just how easy it is to get roped in by the hooks of covert narcissism. Wizard of Oz, The (1939) by Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson and Edgar Allen Woolf. Based on the book by L. Frank Baum. Last revised March 15, 1939. Script used for research, quotes, and content can be found at https://sfy.ru/script/wizard_of_oz_1939
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast COVID had an enormous impact on marriages. Trapping everyone in their homes and taking away other social avenues not only brought out more abuse, but also caused many victims to start identifying abusive behavior that was already happening. Things simply escalated, both with more abuse and more awareness. Without the distractions of regular life, the abusive behavior takes center stage. Things that had not happened before now were taking place. For some, the abuse was now taking a more physical turn. For others, the verbal and emotional abuse hit new heights. Unfortunately, for many victims, this time just pushed them to work even harder to fix their relationship. A journey that is full of traps and pitfalls. For many, COVID pushed their covert narcissistic abuser to make longer and better changes toward good behavior and growth. While these changes don't stick, they still hook the victim to stay with the marriage once again.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast I came home one night to a completely dark house to find my 37 year old husband sitting in a dark room crying, I thought, Oh my gosh, did someone die? What has happened? Clearly something was wrong.As I talked with him, I learned that he was sitting in the dark crying because he got his feelings hurt. What? This is a full-grown man, father of two children, crying like a child. The more we talked, the more I realized, something actually was really wrong here, just not what I thought. This was a narcissistic collapse, and I had no idea what that even was! What is narcissistic collapse? When a narcissistic person does not receive the external validation that they believe they should get, resulting in extreme levels of emotional stress and pain, leading to narcissistic rage, either openly or silently. When a narcissistic person cannot maintain their superior and always right image. A self-protection mode when they feel that their self-image is being threatened.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Covert narcissism is not a gender issue. This is absolutely affecting both men and women. I talk from my perspective because that is what I lived, but I know there are many men out there who are living this nightmare with a covert narcissistic wife. And it doesn’t stop there. This is affecting the LGBTQ community. It is affecting parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, friendships, work relationships. The reach of covert narcissism is extensive. No matter the nature of your relationship, this abuse is damaging and wrong. Please reach out for the help and support that you need. In today's episode, my guest, Dave, shares his journey and perspective in dealing with a covert narcissistic wife and mother of his children. I am so happy to be broadening our reach to help so many who are victims of covert narcissistic abuse and living this very same nightmare!
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast When you are coming to grips with the thought that you are in a long-term marriage with a covert narcissist, you will go through the stages of grief. In fact, just living with a covert narcissist, already has you in these stages, and you don’t even realize it! What are you grieving about? The death of who you thought this person was, of who you believed they were. The death of what you thought your life would be like with them. The death of who you thought you were with them. Actually, the death of yourself. Like so many other victims, I lost me…for years. And we may think that this grieving started when our eyes opened to reality, and there certainly is some truth to that. When the FOG lifts and we truly really see it, the stages of grief definitely apply. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And the emotions that come then are often quite intense. But this actually isn’t when the grieving process began. It began many years before. It began when the abuse began. That is when this death process started, but we aren’t aware of it. I certainly had no idea…at the time.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast A relationship with a covert narcissist is like getting a thousand bee stings. Any individual event can seem so small and insignificant, like a single bee sting. No big deal, right? WRONG!! Because it isn't just one bee sting, it is a thousand! One single example from your relationship can seem so petty and trivial when you try to explain it to others. If it was a single event, then it would be. But it isn't. This is not one single event. It is a culmination of a thousand bee stings and none of them get resolved ever. When you add all the stings together, you find yourself in an extreme amount of pain and anguish. Trying to explain it to someone is completely overwhelming. They can't possibly understand what you have been through.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Covert narcissists go 0-100 over things that just simply do not justify all the anger. Whether the anger shows aggressively or passively, it is still there. Whether it is yelling and cursing, or huffing and coldly staring, that anger is felt by you, the victim. They communicate that you have crossed a line and upset them, and they make you pay for that violation. Why in the world are covert narcissists so mad about such little things? You borrow their pen and forget to give it back, and you are thoughtless and selfish. You tell a funny story about them to a friend, and you are spiteful and rude. You hug a guy’s neck in public, and you are clearly having an affair with them or want to. You ask them to take out the trash, and you are being insensitive and mean. Normal, everyday things that are a part of everyone’s everyday life. And yet, for you, it leads to incredibly uncomfortable situations with your spouse. You are now on the receiving end of disdain and contempt. You are put in your place for such rude and selfish behavior. I can’t believe you would treat your partner this way. At least, that’s what they are saying to you.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of Chapter 1 of my upcoming book potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching a Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast The extreme passive aggressiveness of their constant nitpicking is debilitating. You can’t ever be right, about anything. They constantly correct you. You say that your dog is 3 years old, and they correct you saying that he is 3 and a half years old. You say that it is 75 degrees outside, and they correct you saying that it is 76. But you go through years of believing that this is you. "Oh, I must be wrong. They know more than I do. I need to be more specific. I must not have said that clearly enough. I must not have defined that part well. I will keep working on me, and we will be just fine.: Covert abuse gets inside of you. It results in zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence. You second-guess yourself constantly, and gaslight yourself. Overtime, this affects your other relationships. When you do the healing, it is an intense crash course on discovering you, and there is peace to be found.
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast If you have ever lived with a covert narcissist, you know that they are the expert on everything. In their own eyes. They know everything. They say everything exactly right. They do everything exactly right. Everything they do is intentional, justified, and completely defendable. They don’t ever make mistakes. If you ever actually try to call them out on something that was wrong, they will automatically defend it and explain why what they did was intentional and absolutely right. They will make it very clear that you are wrong. Even if you are just asking them to do something differently, they will starchy defend their way of doing everything and give your thoughts and opinions no consideration. This is everything!! I mean from how you dry your hair to how you load the dishwasher. From how you brush your teeth to how you drive your car. Things you have been doing for years, learned from childhood, and doing just fine before you ever met them. All of sudden you can’t do anything right. Sometimes I wonder how any of us managed to even exist without their amazing expertise.
On today’s show, I have a guest who has been in a long-term marriage with a covert narcissistic husband, over three decades long. She joined CNG group coaching to try to find some answers. As she listened to the stories of the other group members, she found herself thinking that the people she met there deserved better. "That person deserves better than that," while listening to one story. "Oh, this one deserves better too," upon hearing another story. But then her eyes opened, “Oh! Wait a minute! I deserve better!” Her story of embracing radical acceptance, claiming emotional space, and focusing on changing herself instead of him is a journey of bravery, healing, and inspiration. I know you will find her story to be validating and compelling. May it motivate you to find your own path of healing!
Life with a covert narcissist - those words really hold so much meaning in them, anyone who has lived this knows what I am saying with those simple words. As I have explained many times in these episodes, is not the normal path of give and take, mutual reconciliation, mutual respect and courtesy. It is a very one-sided relationship. One with you doing all the work, doing the work for two individuals, carrying all the weight of the relationship. All the while being blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong and even being blamed for not doing anything to help the situation. While you are wearing yourself out trying to make things better. To say it is exhausting does not come close to describing how you feel. It is impossible to even put the feelings into words. Bone-dry, nothing left in the tank, exhaustion Completely drained - mentally, emotionally, spiritually Not knowing where else to turn, many turn to marriage counseling. Maybe it is in hope that someone can actually help. Maybe it is one final step of trying everything you can to save the marriage. Maybe it is pressure from the covert narcissist to go. Or even from your family and friends. And marriage counseling can be incredibly helpful and productive when you are dealing with two normal range, healthy, mutually invested individuals. But here you are dealing with one passive-aggressive, manipulative, self-serving individual and one exhausted, internally beaten down, self-doubting individual. This creates a very different scenario, and the marriage counselor may not realize this at all and unintentionally add to the confusion.
Help! Everyone around me is a narcissist! They are everywhere!! Once you start identifying the elements of narcissism that have infiltrated your personal life, it can certainly seem like narcissism is everywhere you look now. My mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my friend, my coworker, my boss, my neighbor, the stranger in the store, the clerk at the gas station, the lawyer in the news. It’s everywhere! And we want to go screaming into the night! The random red flags that we see all around us remind us of the CN that we have been married to for years, even decades, and we want nothing to do with all of it. We want them all to go away! However, not every narcissistic trait that you see around you makes that person a narcissist. Just because they are confident in who they are does not make them a narcissist. As I mentioned in my episode two weeks ago, there are some elements of narcissism that are adaptive and productive. Today I want to explore that further to help us to better understand.
Covert narcissism is narcissism from a unique angle. The internal characteristics are the same as an overt narcissist, but it plays out differently. Narcissism is not defined in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as the loud and boisterous life of the party. It does not list traits of hitting, cheating, and yelling. Rather, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is defined as having a grandiose sense of self-importance, requiring excessive admiration, believing that they are special, having a lack of empathy, jealous of others, and arrogant. These traits and others are present in both overt and covert narcissists. How they show up differs. In this podcast, we explore these differences in order to raise awareness of covert narcissism. This particular episode addresses the hyper-sensitivity of narcissists and how this displays for both overt and covert narcissists. Overt narcissists react with fear and use intimidation to control of their victim. Covert narcissists react with hurt and victimhood, using guilt and blame to control their victim.
Someone recently commented on my Tiktok video, saying that they have been confident that they are married to a CN, but now are struggling bad wondering it they are the narcissist. I totally understand this! It is actually extremely common that it’s mind-blowing! I want to help you understand why this happens and to describe the different types of narcissistic behavior. Everyone has moments of displaying narcissistic behaviors and traits. And not all narcissism is wicked and evil. There are elements of narcissism that actually serve a productive and healthy role in life. Narcissistic traits that help us through developmental phases in life, such as the transition from childhood to adulthood and the transition from victim of emotional abuse to taking charge of who we are and the life we want to live. Standing up for yourself can feel incredibly narcissistic. And that toxic and manipulative person in your life will be extremely quick to point that out. But don’t be fooled. Educate yourself. Take deep, honest self-reflective looks at your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Today I am discussing the different types of narcissism and how it is showing up in our world.
There is a YOU in there that has been buried under this thing called narcissism, and especially covert narcissism. And it is truly like being buried! Buried under the weight of this relationship you are in or have been in. Buried under their judgment, sensitivity, blame, superiority, entitlement, harshness. Buried under your own over-thinking, over-analyzing, walking on eggshells, playing through a hundred ways to say something, being perfect, blaming yourself. But this is a new year! New year, new you! That doesn't quite work. This is more.. New Year, Come Back to You! Let’s start this new year with a journey to finding you again! A journey of healing, taking control of your life, and freeing your spirit. If you are in need of group support, we have it for you! This will catapult you onto that journey of healing. My next round of group coaching begins in the middle of January 2023. These groups are the most empowering offer that I have. These groups are life-changing. What a fantastic way to start the new year! Finding you again!! I hope to see you there! Click here to sign up for our upcoming group sessions!
Spending any holiday time, vacation time, family time, or even date time with a covert narcissist is an awful lot like pulling a Chance card in Monopoly. If you are an avid player of the game or even a casual player, then you know that feeling of landing on Chance and having no idea if this is a good thing or not. Will it be a reward of something great or a punishment for an imaginary crime? Either way, it has nothing to do with any action on your part. With the CN, this can turn out to be a good time, quite enjoyable, a relief that it stayed peaceful and happy or it can be a total disaster and sheer punishment. Not knowing what is coming and knowing the intense negativity that is always a tiny fuse away makes it incredibly difficult to relax and just enjoy. Even when the environment is positive, it is impossible to trust it. Whether things are peaceful and calm or explosive and disastrous depends an awful lot on the covert narcissist's narcissistic supply. Whether their bottomless internal pit of emptiness and insecurity, which constantly needs to be fed, is being filled sufficiently right then. Learning about narcissistic supply can help you to make sense out of this crazy-making situation.
It is so very easy to be consumed by the gloom and doom of life with a covert narcissist. It feels dark, overwhelming and hopeless, and it is. However, there absolutely IS life outside of narcissism! Someone recently reached out to me expressing the need for more episodes with words of encouragement and hope. And what a great time of the year to do so!! So I thank that individual for reaching out to me. I love to hear from you all, so please share your feedback with me. This is your podcast, not mine. Now let’s talk about these holidays that are right in front of us. The holiday season brings out the child in all of us. For many, that’s great. The childlike mindset of hope and expectations. The eagerness for happiness, presents and great food. Songs about peacefulness and love. Expectations of laughing, smiling, and just feeling content. The escape of a few days with no responsibilities, time to rest and simply enjoy each other. Maybe even some snow to really bring out the child in us. For a covert narcissist, this child that it brings out is very different. Not childlike, but rather childish. "Look at me and how great I am." "What about me," when the conversation wanders or the spotlight shifts around. Snide remarks and sarcastic stabs when they don’t get their way, though they try to play this off as "I was only joking" and blame you for being too sensitive. Unwilling to share YOU with the festivities of the holidays, so their true colors come roaring out. The holiday season can certainly bring out the worst in a covert narcissist. But you do not have to let them “steal your joy.” Today, I am going to give you three tactics for taking back your holiday joy.
Society & Culture
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