Sex Connect

The Sex Connect

Introduction

Sex is more than hooking up… or is it? If we are meaning connection when we use the phrase “hooking up” then this may be exactly what sex is all about. The word connection is defined as “a relationship in which a person, thing or idea is linked or associated with something else” If we can link our associations together so that our sexuality is giving expression in the whole context of life perhaps we would not see our libido as something separate but something very holistic.

Connectedness is the main thing, it is about the connection not the erection.

The Circle of Relationships is a fundamental paradigm for AMG. It presents a way to live our lives from the inside out by putting a focus on the essential relationships and then moving toward the urgent relationships of life.

When we talk about intimacy and connectedness we are talking about the inner relationships, those that are most authentic and vulnerable, the three inner circles.

If we are going to have a healthy sexual relationship it is going to take place by:

1. Hooking up (connecting with integrity) to focused understanding of self
2. Hooking up (connecting with intimacy) in a focused sexual relationship
3. Hooking up (connecting with vulnerably) with a focused select few.

The Integrity Relationship

A good way to describe integrity is by its opposite: disintegration. Whenever something disintegrates, it falls to pieces. This is exactly what our lives do if we do not live in integrity. Our lives become a bunch of unconnected pieces rather than the complete whole. When such is the case, our personal relationships are called to accommodate our lack of truthfulness and live out the guise of having it all together. Sex becomes as disconnected as all the other parts of our lives. We give the message to our intimate relationships, either directly or subtly, that if we are to keep our present level of comfort, no one can know who we really are or how we really function.

Integrity begins with I. We need to have an eye on the I. The mirror is a great analogy here. When we get up in the morning and look at our disheveled selves, we don’t go back to bed because our physical appearance isn’t up to par. Instead, we start with where we are, accept that, make some adjustments and move to our day. This is the way we can live in integrity. Know that we are totally acceptable where we are, but respect ourselves enough not to stay there. Instead, make some incremental changes and move on with our lives.

We have a tendency to be different people in our private, personal and public personas. To some extent this is healthy because when going to a nice restaurant with family, we want to polish up our manners. It’s a little different than sitting around in the backyard with family and friends. Being comfortable with people in personal settings as a manner of interaction is healthy. Concealing who we really are to the people in the public or personal forums is not. We want to be vulnerable with our close relationships but authentic in all of our relationships.

Integrity is where true intimacy starts with the sexual partner. If two people are confident in their identity as individuals, then they will be confident in how they express this sexually. If wholeness and honesty are present in all aspects of the private life, then what is done in private will be exposed, erotic and exciting?

The Intimate Sexual Relationship

Sex is an expression of confidence. This confidence comes from integrity. If I am a person of integrity than I am a partner of integrity. If I love myself I will express myself in love. This confidence is in me for who I am and not my performance. It is confidence in my wife for who she is and not her performance. Sex becomes the perfect expression of acceptance between two imperfect beings. Sex becomes an expression of mutual integrity.

Sex is an expression of truth and openness. The best thing we can give our sexual partner is knowledge that there are no secrets, no lies and no deceptions. It can be freeing to make eye contact with a significant other, whether it is across the table in a restaurant or while we are making love , communicating there is nothing wrong between us. It is total honesty. It is being naked and not ashamed. It is being connected and not fearful.

Sex is an expression of playfulness. Making love finds its origins in play. This playfulness comes from vulnerability and confidence. Two partners who have become comfortable with vulnerability and confidence initiate fun sex. We cannot work at creating better lovemaking; we have to play at it. Playing has a way of connecting. Gentle teasing, shared games, and mutual laughing can be bonding experiences. Even sexual mistakes can create playful memories. So often in making love, partners do things that are silly or embarrassing. As playful companions, we can laugh rather than be awkward. We each have childlike playfulness that is longing to be expressed. Fun sex is great sex.

The intimate relationship I have with my wife is really the middle ground of the relationship I have with the inner integrity relationship and the vulnerable nonsexual relationships I have in my life.

The Vulnerable Nonsexual Relationships

A key contributor to experiencing deep sexual connection is in having vulnerable but non sexual closely connected relationships; deep friendships.

It has been said, “A good friend is one who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is one who is sitting beside you in jail.” My wife is my absolute best friend (even though she hasn’t had to do the jail thing). I have found that one of the most beneficial things I can give my marriage is to have deep, open relationships with other buddies, good male associations. I find that because my wife and I share so much already, it is good to have other perspectives from a real good male counterpart. Having close friends to share vulnerable things with is a struggle for most men and is one of the fundamental reasons I have helped form an organization called Authentic Men’s Group. In these groups men practice and form friendships of intense vulnerability, talking openly about things previously closed off.

In counseling many relationships that I work with have undo stress because there is no person other than the spouse who is being shared with at a deep level. This can actually be a disservice to the marriage.

In talking about this we have come up with 5 Benefits that come from having vulnerable friendships:

1. Practicing vulnerability with a nonsexual partner will give a deeper understanding of the uniqueness of intimacy with the sexual partner.
2. Sharing of a burden with a trusted nonsexual friend will lighten the burden personally and take the burden off the spouse to be the sole helper with the struggle. Illustration: It creates a building with a load bearing wall that has too much weight on it.
3. Talking to someone of the same gender about what is being experienced often creates a sense of not being the only one who is experiencing the challenge.
4. Learning to trust an intimate nonsexual partner will ultimately help in trusting ourselves and trusting the spouse.
5. Building support relationships with nonsexual intimate partners in the present will create reinforcement in the future if there is a loss of the sexual partner.

Making deposits into friendship accounts will allow withdrawals from these accounts when needed. An investment in a deep friendship outside the marriage is an investment in deep intimacy inside the marriage.

As we were thinking of some thoughts for this podcast on intimacy I thought back to a time about 5 years ago when my best friend was in a battle with leukemia. Our friendship goes back to the 1980s where we got to know each other at a small, private community college. As he struggled to win his battle, we also struggled for vulnerable connections. In these vulnerable times I was so thankful for the deep investments of time, energy and resources over the years. We found ourselves pulling from those deposits and finding our connection even closer. We went through this together. Our connectedness in such vulnerable times opened my wife and I up for some deep and meaningful conversations about life. These dialogues have continued to contribute to our intimacy in that we do not take each other for granted because of this reminder of our mortality.

Conclusion

Once aware of the three levels of connection that contribute to great sex there is also an awareness that sex is not the main thing. Connectedness is the main thing.

When we experience connection with ourselves through integrity and with close friendship through vulnerability we can experience depth of connection in our sexuality.