It’s Slashtober, and we’re celebrating the only way we know how––by watching and discussing low-rent franchise horror films full of amateur Canadian actors and grizzly simulated murder. Up today is JASON X (2001), the unlikely 10th film in the beyond long in the tooth FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise where Jason gets frozen, unthawed 400 years in the future, and then shot into space! What does he find there? Comely 19-year-old science students doing science stuff in belly shirts, of course. Time to murder them with a space machete.

After a couple weeks of corporate America interruption, the podcast is back for our annual celebration of Halloween Horror Stupidity. It’s Slashtober, and we’re kicking things off by covering one of the most tragically under-appreciated Matthew McConaughey performances of all-time, his abusive, perverted, robot-legged Texan psychopath, Vilmer, in the criminally under-watched late franchise sequel, THE RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, AKA, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION.

Now that it’s officially Fall, we felt like we needed to kick things up when it came to our September mini-series, Free Fallin, where we’ve been talking about movies that feature badass skydiving sequences. How does one turn things up to eleven after we’ve already talked back to back weeks of Charlie Sheen movies? By calling in the big guns. It’s Howie Long, it’s William Forsythe, it’s dudes jumping out of airplanes while carrying chainsaws. We watched the amazingly titled late 90s flop, FIRESTORM.

Sometimes a movie sounds better on paper than it actually ends up being. You tell me I’m about to watch a movie where Chuck Sheen plays a former Olympic gymnast turned bad boy skydiver turned KGB recruit, and I’m expecting something great. And then you have TERMINAL VELOCITY, where… well, I don’t want to spoil things. I’ll let you listen and figure out how we feel for yourself. It’s the second movie in our Free Fallin’ miniseries, where we’re talking a bunch about skydiving action heroes while we rocket towards autumn, and it’s right here for your listening pleasure.

It’s the last weekend of true summer, as the calendar turns over to September and Autumn approaches. Instead of whining about it, we’ve decided to rip the band-aid clean off and ditch our disastrous attempt at doing an August mini-series to start up a new fall series for September. It’s Free Fallin’, our month-long look at movies that feature prominent sky diving sequences. First up is powerhouses Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn teaming up to give us one of the most accurate portrayals of American heroism ever put on film, NAVY SEALS (1990).

For some ungodly reason we decided to punish ourselves by watching straight to video sequels all August long. So this is the start of our latest miniseries, Discount DVD Bin! That exclamation point is there to make things sound exciting. What’s up first? The straight to DVD monster movie sequel that wasn’t enticing enough to bring back Kevin Bacon, TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS.

If you’re looking for some kind of low brow movie podcast for idiots, keep moving pal, because we’re talking about a documentary on this bad boy. That’s right, we’re smart as shit. Our Action Mount Rushmore month finishes up with the most Austrian head on our monument, that of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s Mr Olympia versus an Eyetalian Hulk from Brooklyn known as Lou Ferrigno in the 70s bodybuilding doc PUMPING IRON!

July is when we do our Action Mount Rushmore, where we watch a JCVD, a Stallone, a Seagal, and a Schwarzenegger. This year in specific, we’re doing Mount Rushmore two-handers, where our dudes share top billing with another actor. Caught up? Good. Because this is a very special episode of the podcast… it’s our first watchalong! What that means, is instead of watching this week’s movie (THE GLIMMER MAN) and then listening to the podcast, you’re going to get it ready to go and then push play and watch it with us… it’s the only thing we had any time to get together this week! Also, it’s the closest you’re ever going to get to hanging out with the hosts of this podcast, which some people have described as “Hell on Earth.” So, get THE GLIMMER MAN ready, pause it when the Warner Bros. shield pops up, and then prepare to press play 23:13 into the podcast. Sounds complex? Don’t worry, we drunkenly talk you through the whole procedure during the show. Everything will come out in the wash.

We’re really committed to this Action Movie Mount Rushmore two-hander thing, where we’re watching movies where our top 4 action heroes share top billing with another theoretically as large star, so that means we had to spend our day today sitting through and talking about ASSASSINS (1995). It’s one of those movies where Stallone is trying to play a well-dressed and well-spoken sophisticated type, so thank heavens Antonio Banderas is also in it sweating his ass off and acting like a swarthy lunatic. Saved the movie, quite frankly.

Unless you’ve been living under a goddamned rock for the last couple years, you know that July is always the month where we celebrate our Action Mount Rushmore. We watch a JCVD, we watch a Stallone, we watch a Seagal, and we watch a Schwarzenegger. This year we’re going to zhuzh things up a bit by theming things further. We’re talking Mount Rushmore two-handers, where our titans of action share equal billing with another badass of equal-in-the-moment stature. First up in the rotation is Jean-Claude Van Damme going toe to toe with Dolph Lundgren in a movie about government-created Frankensteins going haywire, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (the OG).

It’s the last week of our big dog-themed event, ‘The Dog Days of Summer,’ and we’re flipping the script on you by talking about a movie where dogs and humans are decidedly NOT best friends. As a matter of fact, we’re talking about a movie where a bunch of blood-thirsty wolves wage war against that gigantic Irish fuck Liam Neeson. It’s 2011’s bleak, depressing flick about how we all live alone and are destined to die alone, THE GREY. Enjoy!

If you like listening to podcasts where the hosts talk at length about dog sex all while doing constant impressions of Tom Hanks yelling, then this is the episode for you! Our June event ‘The Dog Days of Summer’ continues with a discussion of that other cop and a dog movie that came out in 1989, TURNER & HOOCH.

We’re just going to apologize in advance because this is the rapiest movie we’ve covered yet.

It’s post Memorial Day, so we’re sunbunt, we’ve got bellies full of hot dogs, and we’re ready to start slacking off. Is it cool if adults start taking summer breaks too? Regardless, ain’t nobody taking a break from podcasting. It’s a new month so we’ve got a new miniseries to start. All June long we’re celebrating ‘The Dog Days of Summer’ by talking about dog movies. To kick things off we’re getting right to the point and addressing the big one. The ultimate dog movie. The elephant in the room. Jim Belushi playing a tough guy cop alongside a rambunctious mutt in K-9. This was the flick that kicked off the whole Belushi era that was the early 90s, and we’ve got opinions!

Okay, so we spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the female lead’s body this week, but in our defense, this movie features about 40 minutes of full frontal nudity and we challenge anyone to not be stunned by the quality of it. It’s the final film in our Cannon Canon retrospective, Toby Hooper’s naked space vampire epic, LIFEFORCE (1985). Starting next week we plan on kicking off an entire month where we talk about dog movies, so we expect the discussion to become far less filthy. You can start looking forward to that wholesomeness now (unless one of the flicks distracts us with some bomb-ass dog titties, no guarantees).

This week on The Cannon Canon we’re delving into the Chuck Norris corner of the Cannon Films universe by talking about his 1985 film where one very misguided Russian terrorist and about three dozen multi-ethnic underlings attempt a full-scale land invasion of the United States, INVASION USA. “It can happen here,” but what “it” is gets pretty unclear, especially in the ridiculous third act of this Reagan-era monstrosity.

Join us as we continue to dive deep into the output of Cannon Films, that 80s action-heavy production company set up by Golobulous, the snake man from Cobra-La. This week we’re talking about one of their very best Charles Bronson vehicles that didn’t have the words “death” or “wish” in the title, 10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983). It’s Bronson vs a naked serial killer in a race against the clock to save all of the busty young co-eds in the nursing wing of the med school dorm from bloody annihilation, and we are here for it!

We fucked up not recording a fourth ‘April Anniversary’ movie for last month, so we’re trying to make good by talking about a movie that’s celebrating an anniversary this week, but also fits in with our new theme for May. Intrigued? No? Well, we still have to finish explaining anyway. This week we’re celebrating the 35th anniversary of the release of AMERICAN NINJA 2: THE CONFRONTATION, which is one of our favorite releases from Cannon Films, which will be our topic for the month as we deep dive into the best of the best when it comes to the ‘Cannon Canon.’ Enjoy! Or don’t. Likely you won’t, but let’s not make a big deal about it.

Yo, all you arrestedly developed dorks who listen to this podcast! You ready to re-live some serious childhood shit? This week our April Anniversaries month continues as we celebrate the 35th birthday of GI JOE: THE MOVIE (1987), an animated flick that came out all the way back when we used to feel alive inside. How does it hold up? Probably Snake Eyes gets to do a million cool ninja things, right? Right?? Wait… what the fuck is a Cobra-La?

We’ve decided to spend the entire month of April celebrating significant film anniversaries, and this week we had a rollicking (drunken) good time discussing probably the last movie ever where former 80s heartthrob John Cusack came off as likable. That’s right, we’re over here celebrating the 25th anniversary of GROSSE POINTE BLANK, a flick you know we love because it heavily features our boy the Pivs. Let’s hug it out, bitches!