the “7 Theses of Phone On-Hold”

...(stealing a bit here from Martin Luther in the 1500's):

The “7 Theses of Phone On-Hold”

(nailed to the virtual church door 2020)

by Loose Bruce Kerr

December 1, 2020

1. No On-Hold music loop may be shorter than 5 minutes before loop repeats.

1. The fidelity of On-Hold music must be high fidelity and at least equivalent to that experienced as long ago as 30 years on some On-Hold music systems (where did those go?).

1. Callers On-Hold must be given the choice of styles of music (e.g., Rock, Hip-Hop, Classical, Global, Country, Heavy Metal, Folk, Latvian Whaling Tunes, etc., a minimum of 6 styles to choose from).

1. No repeat word-announcements On-Hold over and over, limit: 2 at front end of On-Hold, then never again on that call. Covid-excuse announcement-repeats banished 3 months after vaccine made available.

1. Never, never again must the public be subjected to 30-60 second On-Hold music loopsrepeating forever & ever. Violations punishable by flogging with a wet noodle. In the Public Square.

1. Callers On-Hold to be updated on approximate time until their call is answered by a trained person per the number of callers in queue and historical time averages.

1. By 2023, national unemployment numbers will be greatly improved by the hiring of sufficient, trained On-Hold eventual answerers to limit On-Hold times to no greater than 5 minutes. Ever.