Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory. Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/ Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy Poly.Land - Sneakiarchy: https://poly.land/2018/11/01/sneakiarchy-secret-hierarchy-dishonest-egalitarianism/ Joreth Retracts Descriptive vs Prescriptive Hierarchy: https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/408917.html Podcast episodes referenced in the episode: Veto Happens: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/veto-happens Where is this Going?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well. There’s Nothing to Fear: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/theres-nothing-to-fear 9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/9-relationships-of-a-modern-marriage Where is this going? https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going This may be a bitter pill https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/this-may-be-a-bitter-pill --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself. The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation. Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/ The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief. Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/ The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist. SHOW LINKS: Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/ Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary. Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/ Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175 --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.) Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/ Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175 --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Nothing is a hot-button topic quite like a couple looking to date the same person. A lot of people have only one piece of advice, "Don't," often served with heaping portions of shame and ridicule. Yet, year after year, established couples seek to find a shared partner, and many folks also seek relationships with established couples. Is there something to this? In this episode, Libby offers some thoughts on why you might want to date as a couple (or date a couple) and some helpful ideas on how to do this well. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that. Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597 Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/ Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message

Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships. The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086 Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11 --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork/message